Step Forty: Red and the peripheries...

Dear Fi,

These days I dream of living in a different place, where instead of snow in October there is a warm breeze on my sunny (but not too sunny) patio, where I am sitting and reading another book from my long list without beginning and with no end. 

In this place time does not run in fast spirals, instead it is only a concept of my mind and  I can befriend it. So, there is time for everything. There is a time for Life... 

And the life is quiet but vibrant. Everything has certain role and meaning like a ritual. I live in this world which I have created for myself and I am surrounded by beauty, so my mind is peaceful yet energized. I notice the light in people’s eyes and my lips wear this type of smile... like they know some secret and they try to make space for me to find it out.

Is that too much to dream for?

Love :*

Sylvia

P.S.

“Red” is a title of the collage above and “the peripheries” are my thoughts... totally incoherent with the artwork ;)

P.S.'

FORTY!!! :)

Step Thirty Six: Minimalist collage and the timing disaster

Dear Fi,

As you probably already have noticed I have huge issues with timing lately. Somehow my life has too many deadlines at the same time... and the changes I am undergoing right now are more stressful than I could have predicted. But I already whined to you in my countless e-mails, so I won’t repeat myself here again.

I’m so glad that you are back. I love your Zentangle!!! At first I thought that you cut them out of paper. That would be great! For me they look more like very cool and freehanded prints rather then just scribbling and doodling on paper. Totally bold! So, maybe we should switch to Weekly Zentangle ha, ha. Although, knowing me and my timing it probably wouldn't be weekly...  ha, ha. 

So the story for this step goes like this:

I think that if I had enough time to think about what I wanted to do (pre-planning ha, ha) for my 36th step I would have had more success with posting on Tuesday. However, on Tuesday I found myself undecided, tired, stressed, and totally empty. 

I tried to sketch something. I had a totally different idea for this post. I was fascinated by falling leaves. I took many pictures of golden leaves lying on the grass, on the asphalt, dancing in the air, and resting in my hand. These pictures were the inspiration for my project. I imagined how I will combine them with my post etc. and that was all I could do on Tuesday. 

Yesterday I decided to do something, anything, whatever... I just wanted to “have it done”. I painted a page in my Moleskine watercolour sketchbook in ivory. I thought about using only white, ivory, and cream colours, papers, paints and ribbons. However, while searching for materials, I found the leftovers from the tiny cabinet project I did and because it was just easier and faster to use what I already had I changed my mind about using the monochromatic palette. I’m actually happy that I changed the original idea because later on when I scanned the image I found out that it will probably be impossible to see the different shades of white, ivory and cream very well. Even this piece is failing to show that distinction :( Maybe a camera would record it better? Too late to check it now ha, ha ;)

So, I finished my collage yesterday, but when I thought about writing a post I just knew it won’t happen. I didn’t feel good about it, but I needed to use my resources wisely. Since I started to work I just don’t have the same time and energy to stay up late at night. Besides Tuesdays are actually the most stressful days for me. So, Thursday it is, and I’m finally posting...

Hope you will forgive me (AGAIN!!!) and hope you feel much much better right now My Dear :*

I’m sending you lots of love and the healing vibrations :*

Sylvia

Step Thirty One: Finally, I'm back...

My Dear Fi,

First of all thank you for your patience with me!!! As you know my computer died on me and I was caught up in my school work for the last few weeks. I’m glad that you carried on and that you survived all the e-mails with my whining. We should both get a medal ;) Actually, I seriously considered making a medal for myself for today’s project.

Instead I’m coming back after two weeks of disappearance with a ten minute painting!!! This isn’t what I had planned for my “great come back”, but this is all that I was able to do. Surprisingly, I don’t feel guilty. Maybe because it was really fun to finally paint something without any special expectations.

I had other plans for today. The mentioned medal was one, I also thought about choosing one of my old projects which I promised myself to complete before the year ends, the other idea was to try something new. However, I noticed that all those ideas made me nervous and believe me Dear Fi being stressed is not what I wanted to do today.

Today was actually the first "lazy" day since I finished my course. After submitting my final assignment on Friday I couldn’t find a place for myself. On Saturday I scheduled my nose to be pierced, so I was nervous about how it will go (ha, ha). On Sunday I attended a great half-day workshop with Stuart and Carol Heller "The 90% Non-Verbal Factor". On Monday once again I tried to figure out “who am I?” and “what I really want to do with the time I have before starting my practicum and the next class?” However, I was so tired that I couldn’t answer these questions...

I have no idea how to interpret today’s piece... However, I feel some air and messy freedom caught up in there and this is what makes me smile. I don’t know why I am always surprised by the ability of this short process of creative expression to uplift my spirit. Haven’t I learn yet? So now, Dear Fi, I am seriously contemplating to use it daily and see what happens.

Love :*

Sylvia

P.S.
I feel like this post is one of my super ramblings. Please, forgive me! I couldn’t concentrate while writing this post... I think I need a really long break from writing ;)

Step Twenty Seven: 10 thousand miles and her brooch...

Dear Fi,

It was a perfect day to work on my project today. Constant rain. So, both the rain outside the window and my tears were running down as I worked on today’s piece.

I listened to the same CD over and over again, I am still listening to it right now. Beautiful, tender, touching...

I won the CD some time ago on Wishstudio blog, where I left a comment under Kim McMechan’s post. If you would like to listen to a few of her songs go to her website or here. I just fell in love with all of them. Each one is my favourite...

So now the hard part. I worked today with a picture of my Grandmother. Soon five years will pass since she died. I wasn’t able to look at this picture for all these years. For my project today I used a fragment of a picture I took the last time I saw her. A few months before her death. On the picture my Grandmother was sitting on a chair with me and my mom standing behind her. My 8 month old son was sitting in his stroller close to her. I flew 10 thousand miles to see her, because I knew she was dying. She had just underwent surgery and was happy to see her grandson for the first time. A few months later she passed away.

That is all I can tell you. That is all I can tell myself.

When I look at the alerted photo above I cry. The image is too powerful to bear. It is also something I didn’t expect would come out. I started a new class at the university last week called “Grief & Loss”. One of our assignments is to use various exercises to cope with grief, there are many, but using art is something I process deeply, so this is why I chose to do a collage. My plan was to do something beautiful, cover my Grandma in flowers, especially the scar on her face, make her look colourful and free as a butterfly. I think I wanted to alter my memory of what happened, I wanted to create a new way of remembering her. A new meaning. But it failed. It failed because I’m not ready. I still remember... and what I remember is still very sad.

However, I like to think that one day I will be able to see her coming out of the cocoon, and flapping her wings above me. Maybe a butterfly, or maybe an angel...

Since I couldn’t stand this sadness facing me today, after staring on the image above, I decided to add something, to cover the feelings, or maybe to deceive myself a little longer... So here She is... slowly morphing into an unknown form. Transforming my feelings with her own change.

As I often do in my artwork, I used a page from an old book, bought once on sale at the public library, to create my Grandma’s body. Then I panicked for a moment, because I don’t know the Czech language and I though that maybe there is something inappropriate written there. So I tried to search for some clues.

I found only two.

“Kate” which was my Grandmother’s name, and “bolest” which sounds very similar to Polish “boleść” and means pain, wound, sadness...

:*

Sylvia

P.S.
This beautiful brooch with a missing piece, you see below, is the only material thing I have after my Grandmother, but it suffices ;)

Step Sixteen: What the hell??!...

Dear Fi,
I am not sure what I want to write. I wish I didn’t have to write anything he, he. The next project I engage in will definitely be without words he, he.

I thought about doing another illustration for Patti Digh today. The last one I did will be published (yahoo!) in her book this September. I received two essays to illustrate but somehow I wasn’t in the mood to start this project today, even though I already have some ideas for both illustrations.

I decided to do a journal page today because I needed some help with releasing the “stuff” and to let it come out from suppressed depths. I have been so busy lately and so stressed that I haven’t had the  time to stop and think, to stop and feel, or to move my body and take better care of it. Everything has accumulated for the last few months and it is about to explode.

I have learned a lot since the beginning of this year but I don't think I've given myself the time to absorb it, to recognize, and acknowledge it. So I feel that I am symbolically cut off and with no access to this knowledge. I thought that when I finally finish the semester I would have a chance to indulge in all the things I didn’t have time for. What I failed to notice was the fact that, because I was so late with everything, I will only have one week for my break. So, instead of indulging I just crashed.

Why? Because... Dear Fi... it turned out that I have one week to: relax, schedule about 15 appointments for myself, my mom, and children (hairdresser, dentist, optometrist, physiotherapist etc), invite about 5 children for different play-dates (to be able to do this I first need to clean my messy house - which might take me an entire week itself), prepare myself for the next class (which starts May 1st!!!), buy presents for and attend 2 birthday parties and one baby shower on the upcoming weekend, call my friends (because they probably think I’m dead), write these e-mails I promised to write when I will finally have a break, upload pictures from the last seven weeks to our 365/52 pool...

HYSTERICALLY HILARIOUS :)

All I really want is to stay quiet. Alone. Go for a walk. Return to my yoga practice. Read a few books from my never-ending book list. Sleep. Eat healthy food. Meditate. Magically shrink to my previous size. And wake up one morning with a big bright smile, full of energy, happy to be alive - instead of waking up tired, grumpy and feeling old.

So... today my Dear Fi I thought about quitting everything. Honestly. I wanted to quit this blog and my 365/52 (for the second time ha, ha!!!). I couldn’t bring myself to do anything for this post. I just had these feelings I couldn’t even name coming out to the surface. And the only thing I could see were different shadows of blue.

Yesterday I received a complimentary magazine, so I decided to paint a blue background and choose something from that magazine and glue it to my page and see what happens. After finishing that part I stared at this page and I wasn’t sure if I should start to cry or laugh. I so hated how this page looked. It felt like I forgot what to do, how to put things together. I couldn’t stand it. So I took some paint and started to cover everything again. I stamped the word “deep” and drew the “wheel”. Then I decided to use a quote from a book I’ve been reading lately and to highlight all the words that resonated with me. To finish, I splashed gold paint over the entire collage. Even though I am not a big fan of the outcome, I could really feel how the energy changed after I finished. I felt relieved. So, nothing else matters. At the end I was actually grateful (again!!!) for the place we had created. If not for this post, I would keep this “stuff” hidden deep inside. I’m glad I didn’t give up and I’m feeling much lighter right now :)

:*

Sylvia

P.S.
The quote (from the beginning):
Rediscovering who we really are at our core opens the way to experiencing our most basic level of connection with others. This connectedness lies at the heart of the practice called Yoga. Living in a unitive state is not an esoteric concept, and it is not an elusive higher realm that only very clever people can aspire to. It is the opening of the heart so that we have capacity to feel tenderness, joy, and sorrow without shutting down. It is the opening of the mind to an awareness that encompasses rather than excludes. It is the startling and immediate recognition of our basic sameness. It is the practice of observing clearly, listening acutely, and skillfully responding to the moment with all the compassion we can muster. And it is a homecoming with and in the body for it is only here that we can do all these things.

Donna Farhi: Bringing Yoga to Life. The everyday Practice of Enlightened Living.