Step Forty One: Halloween edition ;)

Dear Fi,

I almost gave up on today’s post. After coming back from work I did everything to avoid thinking about any ideas I could use today. Mostly because I spent my weekend and Monday writing my paper, then I went to work and it felt like I hadn’t had a break from “doing stuff”. Honestly, I thought that I should take it easy and postpone my post. Then I remembered that I will be writing another paper next weekend and if I don’t post today I’m sure I won’t be able to post next week. This approach didn’t help me much - it actually made me feel even more flat ;)

So, I started to consider some ideas. I thought about something Halloweenish ha, ha, like for example transforming my kids into cute bats ;) This led me to Shona Cole’s book “The Artistic Mother” and the lovely idea of changing her children into fairies ;) So I picked up the book (which, BTW features two of my favourite mixed media artists Misty Mawn and Corey Moortgat) and I tried to decide if the project is doable with the limited time I have.  

I tried to be strong rather than realistic and decided to start the project. So right away I wasted about two hours trying to find pictures of my children’s faces!!! I couldn’t believe that I do not have any nice portraits I could use for this post. Their faces were either to far, or too blurry, or in motion, or not the right angle, or covered with something (ice cream, lollypop, hand...). At some point I just took whatever I had available, cropped and printed it out. 

However, since it was super late I didn’t put any thought and attention into choosing the papers and colours, I didn’t even bother to use some stable paper, just regular printing paper. So it took me two hours to find the pictures and about 30 minutes to make these fairies ha, ha. This is what I call the “desperado technique” he, he. 

So, now I’m heading to bed and I promise I will comment on your two last lovely posts as soon as I can!!!

Love :*

Sylvia

Step Thirty Seven {Finally!} - Two me’s.

Dear Fi,

I wish I could tell you what this altered photo is all about. However, it would be hard since I have no clue...

This, and the fact that this project was spread across two pages of my Moleskine was probably the reason for the long delay with posting it. Not only was I not sure what and why “two me’s” (early signs of schizophrenia maybe?) but I knew that it would take me a while to scan and put this together properly and this is mostly why I avoided doing the task. I lost photoshop when my Mac died a few months ago, so I decided to do my best using Picnik. Fortunately, as you probably noticed our 52 steps taught me to give up on perfectionism ha, ha. 

The most important part is the fact that finally my super late 37th step is posted, and that is what counts ;) at least for me!

No my Dear Fi, I won’t try to analyse my creation. The only thing I can add is the song. This song stayed with me for weeks before, during, and after creating this piece. This is the only explanation I have...

Love :*

Sylvia

Step Thirty Five: Sweet love... sweet souls...

Dear Fi,

It is not the same without you :( 

Posting alone feels weird. 

Come back!!! I really miss you :*

***

I wrote about the special meeting in Coleman but then something happened and I couldn’t post it... 

So instead of the detailed rapport on this amazing encounter I will leave you with a short description of today’s artwork.

It is hard to believe but today is the eighth anniversary of my marriage. So it seemed only right to do something to mark this passage. You might remember the picture of us from last year I posted in our flickr pool while doing my 365: self-portrait. I considered taking another, more recent, photo; but I really like that one I used because it speaks volumes about our relationship.

So, eight years.

Today. 

Still together. 

Still in love. 

Still happy. 

In awe.

***

I could write the whole “love story” and list all the great, wonderful, amazing things I know about my husband, but somehow I don’t feel like I want to share all of this on our blog... I am not comfortable with doing this. So, I won’t ha, ha. Besides, I think you already know the story anyway ;)

***

The change happened Dear Fi. I experienced some kind of shift. The last experiment with Zentangle and the previous one with spontaneous drawing brought me back to the “old times”. I feel like something opened inside my compressed (and maybe broken from all that social conditioning and self-judgment) soul and I can finally feel the freedom. She is coming out, calling me, and dancing through this little crack I’ve created with these 35 steps so far.

I am drawn to the simplicity of black and white now, and to the effortless, playful lines, circles and dots forming the new worlds on paper. I am grateful for discovering the lost pleasures anew again. I wish I could find the right words to better explain it to you...

One day maybe... when we finally meet I will try ;)

:*

Sylvia 

P.S.

My Dear, I cannot wait for you to came back and play with me again next week. I hope you will bring lots of pictures and stories to share, and tones of new fancy French inspirations ;)

Love :*

Step Twenty Seven: 10 thousand miles and her brooch...

Dear Fi,

It was a perfect day to work on my project today. Constant rain. So, both the rain outside the window and my tears were running down as I worked on today’s piece.

I listened to the same CD over and over again, I am still listening to it right now. Beautiful, tender, touching...

I won the CD some time ago on Wishstudio blog, where I left a comment under Kim McMechan’s post. If you would like to listen to a few of her songs go to her website or here. I just fell in love with all of them. Each one is my favourite...

So now the hard part. I worked today with a picture of my Grandmother. Soon five years will pass since she died. I wasn’t able to look at this picture for all these years. For my project today I used a fragment of a picture I took the last time I saw her. A few months before her death. On the picture my Grandmother was sitting on a chair with me and my mom standing behind her. My 8 month old son was sitting in his stroller close to her. I flew 10 thousand miles to see her, because I knew she was dying. She had just underwent surgery and was happy to see her grandson for the first time. A few months later she passed away.

That is all I can tell you. That is all I can tell myself.

When I look at the alerted photo above I cry. The image is too powerful to bear. It is also something I didn’t expect would come out. I started a new class at the university last week called “Grief & Loss”. One of our assignments is to use various exercises to cope with grief, there are many, but using art is something I process deeply, so this is why I chose to do a collage. My plan was to do something beautiful, cover my Grandma in flowers, especially the scar on her face, make her look colourful and free as a butterfly. I think I wanted to alter my memory of what happened, I wanted to create a new way of remembering her. A new meaning. But it failed. It failed because I’m not ready. I still remember... and what I remember is still very sad.

However, I like to think that one day I will be able to see her coming out of the cocoon, and flapping her wings above me. Maybe a butterfly, or maybe an angel...

Since I couldn’t stand this sadness facing me today, after staring on the image above, I decided to add something, to cover the feelings, or maybe to deceive myself a little longer... So here She is... slowly morphing into an unknown form. Transforming my feelings with her own change.

As I often do in my artwork, I used a page from an old book, bought once on sale at the public library, to create my Grandma’s body. Then I panicked for a moment, because I don’t know the Czech language and I though that maybe there is something inappropriate written there. So I tried to search for some clues.

I found only two.

“Kate” which was my Grandmother’s name, and “bolest” which sounds very similar to Polish “boleść” and means pain, wound, sadness...

:*

Sylvia

P.S.
This beautiful brooch with a missing piece, you see below, is the only material thing I have after my Grandmother, but it suffices ;)

Step Twenty-One: A new month - a new commitment...

Dear Fi,

Shakespeare wrote “we know what we are, but know not what we may be” and this is what I am contemplating lately. I am not sure if I entirely agree with him, because for one, sometimes I have no clue who I am; and for two sometimes I think I know who I might become. So it is not simply black and white either way. I already wrote about things that are emerging for me, even though I didn’t know what they are. I also wrote about going deeper and taking better care of myself. So, finally I can tell you Dear Fi, that something emerged for me, for real.

It is rare for me to see so clearly and feel what I need to do. I live in a hurry, I'm a master of multitasking, caught up in my busyness, in crossing things off my various lists. So it is not that easy for me to just stop and be still. Not easy at all. But I finally feel ready to stop {and it only took me 37 years of my life ha, ha, ha}.

I am drawn to silence, I am drawn to stillness. I totally am. And it is not because I should, not because it would be good for me (even though I’m sure it will be), not because of the many other “because”...  I finally feel the intrinsic need, the need which is coming out of my very own core, my heart and my soul. So, no need to push me...

I am talking about truly taking care of myself, and about going deeper and about letting more things to clearly emerge. I feel ready to see them. The ugliness, the beauty. The truth. I am talking about inviting stillness to my everyday life. I am talking about something I tried to do for so many years, on and off, using many different techniques, learning from various teachers etc. But it never felt like my true call, my very own need. It was always external.

Today I feel naturally drawn to stillness. I can recognize the many layers I live in and move through. And I am able to see the small crack that emerged in my busyness and my craziness. Through this tiny little gap quietness is approaching and changing how I live, what and how I see, think, feel, do...

I decided to commit to small changes, to add a few baby steps to my daily routine. I was contemplating on this for the last couple of days and I came up with the idea {partially inspired by Marianne} of a 30 day commitment. I want to do some work around this newly emerged fracture. I am dedicating some time every morning and every evening to invite stillness into my life. I want to see what happens.

I started today...

When you lose touch with your inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself. When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world. {Eckhart Tolle}

:*

Sylvia

Step Nine: Finding a home for my soul...

Dear Fi,

Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home.
Matsuo Basho

It’s 10:12 PM, and I just sat down to write this post. It took me until now to finish my project and unfortunately:
1. I have ugly photos because it is dark and gloomy ;)
2. The scan doesn’t look better because the buttons are too thick so the paper wasn’t flat.
I might came back tomorrow morning and replace these pictures. Would that be considered cheating? Ha, ha.

I planned something totally different for today. It was supposed to be a Magician’s Head on plywood, but it is a long story and I don’t have the time to go there today. While I was procrastinating my work on the Magician’s Head I checked on Lis’ blog and as soon as I read the title of her weekly reflection I knew that the head had no chance today. So “off with his head” I said and I went on a journey called “Finding Home”.

***

I was sharing my thoughts on immigration with a Wise Woman last year. During our conversation I discovered that I’m tired of repeating my story again and again. For the first time I realized that I have a “story”, and I’m not saying it in a positive way. I’m talking about my attachment to a particular story. The story goes like this: immigration is a difficult process, I couldn’t speak, nobody understood me, poor me blablablablabla bla bla blabla, but I was brave and look at me now balblablablabla... bla!

I decided to immediately end with this story, detach myself from it once and for good. So, I shared my golden thought with the Wise Woman and she was happy for me. But then she said, “It looks like you don’t feel at home”. I thought that she misunderstood me. I said that I don’t miss my country all that badly, and that I created a family here and...” It turned out that it was me who did not understand. The Wise Woman said, “I wasn’t talking about your home/place, I was saying that your soul doesn’t feel at home”.

***

Yes, she got me. It hit me very hard, even though I always knew that home is not a place, or not only a place, or that to say “I am at home” you don’t even need to have a home...

But there is a difference between knowing and feeling and between thinking that you know and truly knowing.

A huge difference.

So, I still search for my home, Dear Fi.

:*

Sylvia

{update}

Cheating or not I replaced the pictures. Now, since the sun is out I can even add this ;)

Step Seven: Stillness, journalling, and a hot stone massage...

Dear Fi,

My goal for today is to keep this post short ha, ha. The last one was so long and boring that I had a problem reading it while editing it. As you can see even my titles are long ;) Actually... there is nothing else to add, everything that was important is included in this title.

For the whole week I thought about painting these nine hearts I mentioned in last post. The image was still very alive and I already have a recipient for this painting in my mind. However, yesterday I posted my photo in our Unravelling 365 flickr group and I wasn’t able to stop thinking about it. I noticed a shift. There was no more space for cute hearts in my head, only stillness.

I kind of regretted that I hadn’t painted my hearts before the energy changed because now I have no idea when I will paint them. It happen sometimes, it happened with my idea for the first post for our blog and for a few other small projects.

The first inner image I saw was my photo covered in writing, and before falling asleep there was more images coming. It was a very strong feeling of certainty that something important will emerge. Honestly, I fell asleep with ambivalent feelings, I was probably as much excited as I was scared. However, I’m very happy that I followed my inner voice.

There were three important factors which allowed me to create today’s piece. First, I made a tremendous discovery last Sunday. For the first time in my life I scheduled a hot stone massage. During and after the massage I experienced a deep state of relaxation which lead me to a glimpse of stillness. Second, I’m currently in the process of working with Christina Baldwin’s book, and this is a place where I found lots of quotations that resonated with me. I used some of them in my work today. Third, I decided to try a new format a "journal page" to work on this project.

I’m sure that you agree Dear Fi, that there are some experiences in life that deserve recording. There are significant moments we don’t want to forget. The marks we would like to be reminded of. The {extra}ordinary passages, annotations of the changes we want to learn from. There are the moments which allow us to somehow measure our growth. Today’s artwork is one of them.

When I looked at this journal page after creating it I was surprised by how many messages I was able include. How many more I hid and I still need to discover? Because working on this piece was an intuitive process for me, when I look at it, I’m not concerned about it’s artistic value, but about the value of the messages I was able incorporate into this one page. If I wanted to describe in my journal what I was able to “describe” here it would take me many pages, not one. So today’s experiment was a meaningful endeavor for me. 

There are a few details I would like to share with you Dear Fi. So, it is official now that this post won’t be shorter than the previous one ha, ha ;)

One of my favourite fragments of this journal page is the shape in the upper left corner. It reminds me of a human heart, and it was created by a totally spontaneous action. My daughter who was painting beside me had a small piece of paper loaded with these colours I noticed while working on my project. It was an impulse, I just picked up this paper from a table, I blotted it a few times on different piece of paper and then pressed it to my page. I was very surprised by the effect and also by my behaviour. When I started to work on my piece I had a sense of what kind of tones I would like to incorporate. I wanted to keep it “black and white” with some elements of gray, ivory and maybe some traces of sepia. The colours red and purple weren’t even on my table. So the “heart” happened and it has a deep meaning in my interpretation of this page, as well as the fact that it came through my daughter...

The word “Live”, which I glued before I added the heart, came from a Japanese newspaper (there were only two English words in two different spots on the page I inherited: “Live” and “always”). The newspaper’s page was tucked inside a box with Danbo, as you already know a lovely Valentine's Day present I received from my husband this year... I have no idea why I kept this page until today.

The stones below my photo are the ones I photographed during The Wilderness Retreat and later used for my 365 project. They are also a representation of the hot stone massage and my deep connection with stones. This is why I added fingerprints on the first two stones, to symbolically show the connection. I learned an interesting fact about the origin of the hot stone massage in this article. Native Americans used hot stones for healing. Mary Nelson, a native of Tucson, Arizona, developed a technique called LaStone Therapy where both hot and frozen stones are used. A hot stone massage is a “spa" version of this original massage. So, as you might guess LaStone Therapy ended up on my 2010 “to-do” list immediately.

The last thing before you fall asleep my Dear ha, ha, is about the quotations I included in my journal page. There were more “words of wisdom” ;) which resonated with me. However, I didn’t want to make this piece look busier and there was not enough space to add more words.

So, now the final word {seriously!}:
Week by week I feel more grateful for this place, for this commitment, for the fact that you agreed to be my fellow journeyer, that you are here to play with me and to witness the process of my discoveries. Thank you!

:***

Sylvia

P.S.
The CD on one of the pictures is the one I’m listening to lately. Beautiful Sade: “Soldier of Love”.

Step Five: A birthday present, an engagement ring and panic mode...

Dear Fi,

It’s horribly late: 9:30 PM and I’m just starting to write this post. My children just fell asleep. My husband is packing, he is leaving at 4AM, he has an early flight to San Diego (once again, why cannot I go?). Me? I’m totally overwhelmed lately. I’m operating in “panic mode”. Yesterday in an act of desperation I called my Mom and asked her to come and help me (if everything will go smooth she will come at the end of this month). I cannot believe that there is no end to all these “things to do”. It never stops. It doesn’t matter how much I do it is never enough...

Anyway, who cares?

About today’s artwork. In this picture are my husband’s grandparents. I have never met his grandfather, but I knew his grandmother. She died last year. More than seven years ago I came to visit S. for the summer.  We had not known each other for a full year. Two weeks before going back to Poland we went for an evening walk and S. proposed to me. My engagement ring, the ring I received and accepted that evening, the ring I’m wearing almost everyday came from his grandmother. The next day S. called his family and friends and told them that we are engaged. Then he asked everybody if they can make it to the wedding next Saturday. Somehow I never thought what they will think about me, I was too happy to bother ha, ha.

Now, seriously about today’s project ;) I was planning to paint this piece as a Christmas present for my mother-in-law. I even bought a nice frame at that time. However, it turned out that there were other things to do before Christmas, and in the meantime we found another present. Tomorrow is her birthday, this is why I wanted so badly to work on this project today.

For the first hour I really struggled. I started to paint in a bigger format - to fit this picture into a previously bought frame. However, I forgot that since the last week I’m operating in panic mode. As I was painting the background at some point I just realized that I have no idea what I’m doing. I stopped and found out that I totally don’t like the background I was working on for the last hour. Then it hit me that it is not only that I don’t like what I already did but also that the size is too big for me. I knew that I don’t have that much time to work on it.

I started from scratch working on a smaller size and after five minutes I could feel the difference. I knew I could manage this ;) I decided to take more pictures today. I really appreciate your teaching approach Fi. I do not plan to teach here but I wanted at least to show the process I use in creating my artwork. After deciding on a project I usually paint the background first, then I glue on a  previously printed picture, and finally I add the design and work on details. That’s all!

:*

Sylvia

P.S.

Dear Fi, in case you are wondering what the author wanted to accomplish by taking this picture ;)
It was Valentine’s Day at preschool today. I bought 20 packages of Hershey"s Hugs for the children. It turned out that there is a new policy and they don’t do “food” anymore, only cards. Amelie came back home with a bunch of cards and she brought all the chocolates back. Hence the picture.

The good news is that Bruno has Valentine’s Day tomorrow and his kindergarten is OK with “treats” ;)

Step Three: Clarity...

Dear Fi,

There were a few ideas I consider for my post today:

1. a surprise for a dear person, who has no idea that this blog exists (actually, I think that at this point nobody even knows that we are meeting here each Tuesday!)
2. a small piece for Patti Digh’s “call for artwork” I signed up for last year and it finally landed in my inbox two days ago!
3. a small tag with my word for 2010 which is {clarity} for Lis’ weekly reflection

As you see, I didn’t know that I would end up working with my “clarity” face. Ironically, in total opposition to what I have wrote under my picture I love the unknown but only the unknown of our Tuesdays ;)

Actually, I just realized that it is not in the opposition, it is exactly what I was writing about, a perfect example. Because the clarity I’m searching for is not about mental knowing, it is about inner knowing. About trusting the process (and myself). About listening. About being involved in the “now” to the point of forgetting/not needing to know “what’s next?”

...

In the end I’m happy that I unexpectedly created this altered photo of myself for myself. There is an old saying in Polish “the shoemaker always goes barefoot” (it has a different meaning than “the shoemaker’s son always goes barefoot”, it doesn’t involve neglecting a third person, the shoemaker is the one without the shoes). Wait a second Fi, where was I headed with all of this? The next time I cannot wait with writing until everybody in my house has fallen asleep, because my brain isn’t working properly at these hours, not in English, not in Polish, not at all! Anyway, the point was I’m the barefoot shoemaker and usually I don’t have the shoes I’m making... (now I do!)

Right now I’m dreaming about a hot bath with one of my favourite essential oils. But before I go I want to tell you something. The first thing I drew today was the inner eye on my forehead, then I added more eyes floating in the air. Later on I realized that even though my eye perfectly symbolizes the inner knowing and I drew it spontaneously, the floating eyes came to existence from the influence of another artist I discovered recently. I feel like these eyes belong to me, but the idea of floating eyes doesn’t. It is not mine and I’m clear about this. I just needed to say this.

So, Good Night - off to bath ;)

:*

Sylvia

P.S.
Look what I just found (almost in my tub!): “Sometimes surrender means giving up trying to understand and becoming comfortable with not knowing.” {Eckhart Tolle “Stillness Speaks”}