Step Fifty One: The last ten minute painting ;)

Dear Fi,

I had great plans to do something "special" for the last two posts. However, it took me so long to finally finish writing my paper, that before I knew it the weekend was gone. The week started and now every morning I head to work at the women's shelter, and I come back in the evening to eat dinner, put the kids to bed and fall asleep with them ;)

BTW, I love my new practicum, I've only been there since last week but every day I learn so many things, I cannot believe how much there is to learn!!! That's so exciting! The less exciting part is the fact that when I come back from work I do not have much energy left.

So, today I've decided to make the ten minute painting because it was the only way to be here and post, and because it will be the last one ;) I hope I will have some time during the weekend to prepare my last post. I have no clue what it might be. I'm curious how our journey will "end". However, I do not believe in endings - I believe in change and transformation instead ;)

So, My Dear Fi, see you next week for the Grand Finale :) ha, ha

Love :*
Sylvia

P.S.
I love your crochet flowers, I have no idea how you were able to make them??!! Do you remember my attempt at crochet? Your flowers are the masterpieces in comparison to Danbo's eco-bag!
P.S.
BTW, great title for the post ha, ha. I love it!

Step Thirty One: Finally, I'm back...

My Dear Fi,

First of all thank you for your patience with me!!! As you know my computer died on me and I was caught up in my school work for the last few weeks. I’m glad that you carried on and that you survived all the e-mails with my whining. We should both get a medal ;) Actually, I seriously considered making a medal for myself for today’s project.

Instead I’m coming back after two weeks of disappearance with a ten minute painting!!! This isn’t what I had planned for my “great come back”, but this is all that I was able to do. Surprisingly, I don’t feel guilty. Maybe because it was really fun to finally paint something without any special expectations.

I had other plans for today. The mentioned medal was one, I also thought about choosing one of my old projects which I promised myself to complete before the year ends, the other idea was to try something new. However, I noticed that all those ideas made me nervous and believe me Dear Fi being stressed is not what I wanted to do today.

Today was actually the first "lazy" day since I finished my course. After submitting my final assignment on Friday I couldn’t find a place for myself. On Saturday I scheduled my nose to be pierced, so I was nervous about how it will go (ha, ha). On Sunday I attended a great half-day workshop with Stuart and Carol Heller "The 90% Non-Verbal Factor". On Monday once again I tried to figure out “who am I?” and “what I really want to do with the time I have before starting my practicum and the next class?” However, I was so tired that I couldn’t answer these questions...

I have no idea how to interpret today’s piece... However, I feel some air and messy freedom caught up in there and this is what makes me smile. I don’t know why I am always surprised by the ability of this short process of creative expression to uplift my spirit. Haven’t I learn yet? So now, Dear Fi, I am seriously contemplating to use it daily and see what happens.

Love :*

Sylvia

P.S.
I feel like this post is one of my super ramblings. Please, forgive me! I couldn’t concentrate while writing this post... I think I need a really long break from writing ;)

Step Twenty-Two: Ten minute painting and writing issues...

Dear Fi,

It was supposed to be something adventurous and not a 10 minute painting.
However, Dear Fi, I cannot even tell you exactly what I wanted to do today.
And how adventurous it might have become.
Because.
I have no idea how it would have turned out.
If I had the time to work on it today.
I want to find the time to work on this for the next post.
{Keep your pretty fingers crossed, please.}

So, instead of going wild I went simple today. A ten minute painting was all I could afford. Not that I didn’t want to challenge myself (o yes, it was supposed to be a challenging task) but because I am writing another paper for my class, and because it is the end of the school year (preschooler and kindergarten alert!) and our vacation is approaching fast. {By the way, I will disappear in two weeks and I haven’t even come up with a solution for what to do with my post while camping in BC. I still have some time, so hopefully I will figure it out}.

Now, the hard part...

I tried to silence that voice but it is quite strong, and I decided to let it speak. Ha, ha!!! Dear Fi, I cannot stand my writing for this blog. It is purposeless, and clueless. I usually don’t have the time to sit and think, I just have enough time - after spending a lot of time on creating things - to sit and write one futile page in a hurry. I came to the point of questioning the reason for posting. Not the whole post, only the writing part. I do not feel like I have anything interesting, important, or at least funny to say every Tuesday. I wish I had, though ;)

It is not that I don’t like to write, I do. But I just cannot stand myself writing purposelessly. And this is how I feel about my posts. I love the process of writing, but it is a process for me. So while ten minutes is OK to paint “something” to get it out from the inside, thirty minutes it is not enough to write something sensible. Not only because English is my second language, but mostly because the process cannot be forced to resonate deeply, it must flow, and develop, it cannot be squeezed like paint from a tube. Writing is a way of giving a voice to the soul. If there is no good story, or a good point, or a good laugh, why write? I feel that I am missing the point with my posts, and I often feel embarrassed by this. Ha, ha. Seriously.

{I am laughing now because it feels much better to just put this out there instead of hiding behind it. And no! please don’t try to be nice and don’t tell me how much you love my writing, this is not why I am writing this. Beside I won't believe you anyway.}

So this is all from me today. I have no idea what I will be writing about next time. Maybe about being busy trying to fit all our stuff into the car before heading to Osoyoos, BC for ten days of vacation? First time with our children, first time in seven years...

Or maybe you will have some golden advice for me, or maybe I will find some new avenue... like... writing backwards, or only nouns, or one word only, or... in Polish he, he, he ;) Although I am not sure if my Polish, after many years of not using it in writing, would be any better than my English is right now. I recently discovered the reason for being so resentful to write in my journal for the past few years. I couldn’t write in Polish because it didn’t feel/sound like me anymore. But I also couldn't write in English because I was unable to fully express myself in this language.

The good news is that recently I started to keep a journal again after all those years of trying to write and switching languages. I write in English now and it feels right but I wish I could be more precise in describing my feelings, and use more sophisticated and juicy words he, he. I am bored with the same words I am using all the time, I feel kind of stuck. Maybe it is a time to take some English classes, or a creative writing course? But when oh when my Dear? ha, ha, ha.

:*

Sylvia

Step Fourteen: Ten minute painting for my seventh anniversary...

Dear Fi,

I couldn’t resist using so many numbers in one title. If I had more time I would go on talking about all these books with numbers in titles: Seven Minutes To Happiness. Ten Most Important Things You Need To Know About Life. Fourteen Seconds To Prove Yourself. Blablabla. I hope these titles don’t exist and nobody will sue me, but I don’t have the time to google them right now ha, ha ;)

Anyway, this week is not only busy but it’s actually my agony. At this very moment I’m in the middle of writing the last 12 page paper (ha, ha, number again!). It is a combination of a hard work, pleasure, lack of time, stress, and exhaustion after a long semester. So, as much I want it to be the best paper ever, it just cannot happen this time. And it is unfortunate because it really matters to me, but I’m just not at my best. I just want to finish my marathon, and I have no power to think about which number I will arrive to the finish line. The only thing I’m worrying about is arriving at the finish line soon... 

So... this is why for my project I chose my ten minute painting. It actually took 20 minutes from start to finish only because I needed to bring my paints and supplies with me downstairs, and only because I needed to wait for the “gel-glue” to dry before I could paint over.

I told you once about the advice my coach gave me when I complained about a lack of time for painting. She said “paint for ten minutes, and see what happens”. So I took this advice straight to my heart and this is what I do sometimes. A quick expressive exercise. With intention of no judgment. With openness and welcome to what might happen. And with hope for some fun.  

About the seventh anniversary... It is my PRIVATE anniversary. It started on April the 12th, 2003. So it has been seven years yesterday since my immigration to Canada. It feels like my lucky number now ha, ha. It feels like finally I can say I know who I am again. Like I integrated “me before” with “me now”.

It even feels like being at home lately...

:*

Sylvia

P.S.
I need to run, Dear Fi, but I hope that next week we will take time to slow down a bit. And who knows maybe to celebrate all this craziness we went through lately.