Step Thirty Seven {Finally!} - Two me’s.

Dear Fi,

I wish I could tell you what this altered photo is all about. However, it would be hard since I have no clue...

This, and the fact that this project was spread across two pages of my Moleskine was probably the reason for the long delay with posting it. Not only was I not sure what and why “two me’s” (early signs of schizophrenia maybe?) but I knew that it would take me a while to scan and put this together properly and this is mostly why I avoided doing the task. I lost photoshop when my Mac died a few months ago, so I decided to do my best using Picnik. Fortunately, as you probably noticed our 52 steps taught me to give up on perfectionism ha, ha. 

The most important part is the fact that finally my super late 37th step is posted, and that is what counts ;) at least for me!

No my Dear Fi, I won’t try to analyse my creation. The only thing I can add is the song. This song stayed with me for weeks before, during, and after creating this piece. This is the only explanation I have...

Love :*

Sylvia

Step Twenty-One: A new month - a new commitment...

Dear Fi,

Shakespeare wrote “we know what we are, but know not what we may be” and this is what I am contemplating lately. I am not sure if I entirely agree with him, because for one, sometimes I have no clue who I am; and for two sometimes I think I know who I might become. So it is not simply black and white either way. I already wrote about things that are emerging for me, even though I didn’t know what they are. I also wrote about going deeper and taking better care of myself. So, finally I can tell you Dear Fi, that something emerged for me, for real.

It is rare for me to see so clearly and feel what I need to do. I live in a hurry, I'm a master of multitasking, caught up in my busyness, in crossing things off my various lists. So it is not that easy for me to just stop and be still. Not easy at all. But I finally feel ready to stop {and it only took me 37 years of my life ha, ha, ha}.

I am drawn to silence, I am drawn to stillness. I totally am. And it is not because I should, not because it would be good for me (even though I’m sure it will be), not because of the many other “because”...  I finally feel the intrinsic need, the need which is coming out of my very own core, my heart and my soul. So, no need to push me...

I am talking about truly taking care of myself, and about going deeper and about letting more things to clearly emerge. I feel ready to see them. The ugliness, the beauty. The truth. I am talking about inviting stillness to my everyday life. I am talking about something I tried to do for so many years, on and off, using many different techniques, learning from various teachers etc. But it never felt like my true call, my very own need. It was always external.

Today I feel naturally drawn to stillness. I can recognize the many layers I live in and move through. And I am able to see the small crack that emerged in my busyness and my craziness. Through this tiny little gap quietness is approaching and changing how I live, what and how I see, think, feel, do...

I decided to commit to small changes, to add a few baby steps to my daily routine. I was contemplating on this for the last couple of days and I came up with the idea {partially inspired by Marianne} of a 30 day commitment. I want to do some work around this newly emerged fracture. I am dedicating some time every morning and every evening to invite stillness into my life. I want to see what happens.

I started today...

When you lose touch with your inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself. When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world. {Eckhart Tolle}

:*

Sylvia

Step Seventeen: Something is emerging...

Dear Fi,

I know for sure that something is emerging, I just have no clue what it is ha, ha. I thought I might write about it here and maybe find out. However I ran into trouble. I started another semester on May 1st and since it is a blended learning (on-line and in class) I found out that I have lots of work and small assignments to do each week. Today was the deadline for the first one, so I barely finished on time reading, posting, and replying to the other people’s posts. I wrote some points for my class while waiting for Amelie at her dance class place, so I couldn’t even use this time to write my post for this blog! I was able to do my journal page (which took me painfully long!) but I don’t think I can manage more writing today.

Something is emerging Dear Fi - and it is frightening me but not as much as it is exciting me. I feel like I'm pregnant with a third child (which I’m not!!!). I feel like “it” is growing and becoming stronger...  I’m very curious, I want to see “this baby”...  but I also know that I cannot avoid the delivery room ha, ha.

I'm practicing patience. When the time comes it will emerge...

:*
Sylvia

P.S.
Do you believe that there is a “right moment” for things to happen, Fi? I recently read a book. There is not that many books I think everybody should read (at least once ha, ha). However, this one I would recommend to everybody. Steven Pressfiled “The War of Art” is a killer and I think it was for me the best right time to read this book. I found this beautiful quote there, so I will leave you with it today...

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, magic, and power in it. Begin it now. 

W.H. Murray {The Scottish Himalayan Expedition}

Step Sixteen: What the hell??!...

Dear Fi,
I am not sure what I want to write. I wish I didn’t have to write anything he, he. The next project I engage in will definitely be without words he, he.

I thought about doing another illustration for Patti Digh today. The last one I did will be published (yahoo!) in her book this September. I received two essays to illustrate but somehow I wasn’t in the mood to start this project today, even though I already have some ideas for both illustrations.

I decided to do a journal page today because I needed some help with releasing the “stuff” and to let it come out from suppressed depths. I have been so busy lately and so stressed that I haven’t had the  time to stop and think, to stop and feel, or to move my body and take better care of it. Everything has accumulated for the last few months and it is about to explode.

I have learned a lot since the beginning of this year but I don't think I've given myself the time to absorb it, to recognize, and acknowledge it. So I feel that I am symbolically cut off and with no access to this knowledge. I thought that when I finally finish the semester I would have a chance to indulge in all the things I didn’t have time for. What I failed to notice was the fact that, because I was so late with everything, I will only have one week for my break. So, instead of indulging I just crashed.

Why? Because... Dear Fi... it turned out that I have one week to: relax, schedule about 15 appointments for myself, my mom, and children (hairdresser, dentist, optometrist, physiotherapist etc), invite about 5 children for different play-dates (to be able to do this I first need to clean my messy house - which might take me an entire week itself), prepare myself for the next class (which starts May 1st!!!), buy presents for and attend 2 birthday parties and one baby shower on the upcoming weekend, call my friends (because they probably think I’m dead), write these e-mails I promised to write when I will finally have a break, upload pictures from the last seven weeks to our 365/52 pool...

HYSTERICALLY HILARIOUS :)

All I really want is to stay quiet. Alone. Go for a walk. Return to my yoga practice. Read a few books from my never-ending book list. Sleep. Eat healthy food. Meditate. Magically shrink to my previous size. And wake up one morning with a big bright smile, full of energy, happy to be alive - instead of waking up tired, grumpy and feeling old.

So... today my Dear Fi I thought about quitting everything. Honestly. I wanted to quit this blog and my 365/52 (for the second time ha, ha!!!). I couldn’t bring myself to do anything for this post. I just had these feelings I couldn’t even name coming out to the surface. And the only thing I could see were different shadows of blue.

Yesterday I received a complimentary magazine, so I decided to paint a blue background and choose something from that magazine and glue it to my page and see what happens. After finishing that part I stared at this page and I wasn’t sure if I should start to cry or laugh. I so hated how this page looked. It felt like I forgot what to do, how to put things together. I couldn’t stand it. So I took some paint and started to cover everything again. I stamped the word “deep” and drew the “wheel”. Then I decided to use a quote from a book I’ve been reading lately and to highlight all the words that resonated with me. To finish, I splashed gold paint over the entire collage. Even though I am not a big fan of the outcome, I could really feel how the energy changed after I finished. I felt relieved. So, nothing else matters. At the end I was actually grateful (again!!!) for the place we had created. If not for this post, I would keep this “stuff” hidden deep inside. I’m glad I didn’t give up and I’m feeling much lighter right now :)

:*

Sylvia

P.S.
The quote (from the beginning):
Rediscovering who we really are at our core opens the way to experiencing our most basic level of connection with others. This connectedness lies at the heart of the practice called Yoga. Living in a unitive state is not an esoteric concept, and it is not an elusive higher realm that only very clever people can aspire to. It is the opening of the heart so that we have capacity to feel tenderness, joy, and sorrow without shutting down. It is the opening of the mind to an awareness that encompasses rather than excludes. It is the startling and immediate recognition of our basic sameness. It is the practice of observing clearly, listening acutely, and skillfully responding to the moment with all the compassion we can muster. And it is a homecoming with and in the body for it is only here that we can do all these things.

Donna Farhi: Bringing Yoga to Life. The everyday Practice of Enlightened Living.

Step Seven: Stillness, journalling, and a hot stone massage...

Dear Fi,

My goal for today is to keep this post short ha, ha. The last one was so long and boring that I had a problem reading it while editing it. As you can see even my titles are long ;) Actually... there is nothing else to add, everything that was important is included in this title.

For the whole week I thought about painting these nine hearts I mentioned in last post. The image was still very alive and I already have a recipient for this painting in my mind. However, yesterday I posted my photo in our Unravelling 365 flickr group and I wasn’t able to stop thinking about it. I noticed a shift. There was no more space for cute hearts in my head, only stillness.

I kind of regretted that I hadn’t painted my hearts before the energy changed because now I have no idea when I will paint them. It happen sometimes, it happened with my idea for the first post for our blog and for a few other small projects.

The first inner image I saw was my photo covered in writing, and before falling asleep there was more images coming. It was a very strong feeling of certainty that something important will emerge. Honestly, I fell asleep with ambivalent feelings, I was probably as much excited as I was scared. However, I’m very happy that I followed my inner voice.

There were three important factors which allowed me to create today’s piece. First, I made a tremendous discovery last Sunday. For the first time in my life I scheduled a hot stone massage. During and after the massage I experienced a deep state of relaxation which lead me to a glimpse of stillness. Second, I’m currently in the process of working with Christina Baldwin’s book, and this is a place where I found lots of quotations that resonated with me. I used some of them in my work today. Third, I decided to try a new format a "journal page" to work on this project.

I’m sure that you agree Dear Fi, that there are some experiences in life that deserve recording. There are significant moments we don’t want to forget. The marks we would like to be reminded of. The {extra}ordinary passages, annotations of the changes we want to learn from. There are the moments which allow us to somehow measure our growth. Today’s artwork is one of them.

When I looked at this journal page after creating it I was surprised by how many messages I was able include. How many more I hid and I still need to discover? Because working on this piece was an intuitive process for me, when I look at it, I’m not concerned about it’s artistic value, but about the value of the messages I was able incorporate into this one page. If I wanted to describe in my journal what I was able to “describe” here it would take me many pages, not one. So today’s experiment was a meaningful endeavor for me. 

There are a few details I would like to share with you Dear Fi. So, it is official now that this post won’t be shorter than the previous one ha, ha ;)

One of my favourite fragments of this journal page is the shape in the upper left corner. It reminds me of a human heart, and it was created by a totally spontaneous action. My daughter who was painting beside me had a small piece of paper loaded with these colours I noticed while working on my project. It was an impulse, I just picked up this paper from a table, I blotted it a few times on different piece of paper and then pressed it to my page. I was very surprised by the effect and also by my behaviour. When I started to work on my piece I had a sense of what kind of tones I would like to incorporate. I wanted to keep it “black and white” with some elements of gray, ivory and maybe some traces of sepia. The colours red and purple weren’t even on my table. So the “heart” happened and it has a deep meaning in my interpretation of this page, as well as the fact that it came through my daughter...

The word “Live”, which I glued before I added the heart, came from a Japanese newspaper (there were only two English words in two different spots on the page I inherited: “Live” and “always”). The newspaper’s page was tucked inside a box with Danbo, as you already know a lovely Valentine's Day present I received from my husband this year... I have no idea why I kept this page until today.

The stones below my photo are the ones I photographed during The Wilderness Retreat and later used for my 365 project. They are also a representation of the hot stone massage and my deep connection with stones. This is why I added fingerprints on the first two stones, to symbolically show the connection. I learned an interesting fact about the origin of the hot stone massage in this article. Native Americans used hot stones for healing. Mary Nelson, a native of Tucson, Arizona, developed a technique called LaStone Therapy where both hot and frozen stones are used. A hot stone massage is a “spa" version of this original massage. So, as you might guess LaStone Therapy ended up on my 2010 “to-do” list immediately.

The last thing before you fall asleep my Dear ha, ha, is about the quotations I included in my journal page. There were more “words of wisdom” ;) which resonated with me. However, I didn’t want to make this piece look busier and there was not enough space to add more words.

So, now the final word {seriously!}:
Week by week I feel more grateful for this place, for this commitment, for the fact that you agreed to be my fellow journeyer, that you are here to play with me and to witness the process of my discoveries. Thank you!

:***

Sylvia

P.S.
The CD on one of the pictures is the one I’m listening to lately. Beautiful Sade: “Soldier of Love”.