Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Step Twenty-Two: Ten minute painting and writing issues...

Dear Fi,

It was supposed to be something adventurous and not a 10 minute painting.
However, Dear Fi, I cannot even tell you exactly what I wanted to do today.
And how adventurous it might have become.
I have no idea how it would have turned out.
If I had the time to work on it today.
I want to find the time to work on this for the next post.
{Keep your pretty fingers crossed, please.}

So, instead of going wild I went simple today. A ten minute painting was all I could afford. Not that I didn’t want to challenge myself (o yes, it was supposed to be a challenging task) but because I am writing another paper for my class, and because it is the end of the school year (preschooler and kindergarten alert!) and our vacation is approaching fast. {By the way, I will disappear in two weeks and I haven’t even come up with a solution for what to do with my post while camping in BC. I still have some time, so hopefully I will figure it out}.

Now, the hard part...

I tried to silence that voice but it is quite strong, and I decided to let it speak. Ha, ha!!! Dear Fi, I cannot stand my writing for this blog. It is purposeless, and clueless. I usually don’t have the time to sit and think, I just have enough time - after spending a lot of time on creating things - to sit and write one futile page in a hurry. I came to the point of questioning the reason for posting. Not the whole post, only the writing part. I do not feel like I have anything interesting, important, or at least funny to say every Tuesday. I wish I had, though ;)

It is not that I don’t like to write, I do. But I just cannot stand myself writing purposelessly. And this is how I feel about my posts. I love the process of writing, but it is a process for me. So while ten minutes is OK to paint “something” to get it out from the inside, thirty minutes it is not enough to write something sensible. Not only because English is my second language, but mostly because the process cannot be forced to resonate deeply, it must flow, and develop, it cannot be squeezed like paint from a tube. Writing is a way of giving a voice to the soul. If there is no good story, or a good point, or a good laugh, why write? I feel that I am missing the point with my posts, and I often feel embarrassed by this. Ha, ha. Seriously.

{I am laughing now because it feels much better to just put this out there instead of hiding behind it. And no! please don’t try to be nice and don’t tell me how much you love my writing, this is not why I am writing this. Beside I won't believe you anyway.}

So this is all from me today. I have no idea what I will be writing about next time. Maybe about being busy trying to fit all our stuff into the car before heading to Osoyoos, BC for ten days of vacation? First time with our children, first time in seven years...

Or maybe you will have some golden advice for me, or maybe I will find some new avenue... like... writing backwards, or only nouns, or one word only, or... in Polish he, he, he ;) Although I am not sure if my Polish, after many years of not using it in writing, would be any better than my English is right now. I recently discovered the reason for being so resentful to write in my journal for the past few years. I couldn’t write in Polish because it didn’t feel/sound like me anymore. But I also couldn't write in English because I was unable to fully express myself in this language.

The good news is that recently I started to keep a journal again after all those years of trying to write and switching languages. I write in English now and it feels right but I wish I could be more precise in describing my feelings, and use more sophisticated and juicy words he, he. I am bored with the same words I am using all the time, I feel kind of stuck. Maybe it is a time to take some English classes, or a creative writing course? But when oh when my Dear? ha, ha, ha.



1 comment:

  1. I'm curious now... when you say '10 minute painting', do you mean, 10 minutes from start to finish? Or, do you mean, a few minutes to lay down some paint, then you go off and do something else till it dries and then come back to begin the next layer... so it's a cumulative 10 minutes?

    I remember you mentioning your unrest with the written element of posts a few steps ago. I didn't know if it was something you were moving through, or something you find a weekly challenge.

    I have to admit, some days I spend so much time on the creative side, that by the time I post, I don't want to write a single word underneath it! :-) I couldn't imagine having to do it in a second language! So, I totally understand.

    *On a side note though (and you must believe me), I enjoy your words and the depth of them.*

    So... my "golden advice" to you is, 'do what makes you happy!' That is the purpose of this blog! :-)

    I've also been wondering about posting whilst away - there is an option in blogger to set a time and date for it to upload the post for you... I might give it a trial run next week, on the slim chance that I can get organised enough! ha ha! :-)

    I like your painting - I adore the colours (I also love how you can spend so little time on it and still come up with something beautiful). The second shot of it looks a bit like a child asleep in bed to me!

    I have loads to say on the subject of journalling, but I've run out of time! I totally understand what you're saying about being stuck between two languages though. When I was living abroad, I found that my English deteriorated really quickly - on the odd chance I did speak it, it was always with people for whom it was a second language, so I mostly would stick to fairly simple English words... I still feel like I don't speak it very well! I regularly can't think of the word I need on the moment! Maybe I should take those English classes too! :-)

    Speak soon. Lots of love.