Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Step Sixteen: What the hell??!...

Dear Fi,
I am not sure what I want to write. I wish I didn’t have to write anything he, he. The next project I engage in will definitely be without words he, he.

I thought about doing another illustration for Patti Digh today. The last one I did will be published (yahoo!) in her book this September. I received two essays to illustrate but somehow I wasn’t in the mood to start this project today, even though I already have some ideas for both illustrations.

I decided to do a journal page today because I needed some help with releasing the “stuff” and to let it come out from suppressed depths. I have been so busy lately and so stressed that I haven’t had the  time to stop and think, to stop and feel, or to move my body and take better care of it. Everything has accumulated for the last few months and it is about to explode.

I have learned a lot since the beginning of this year but I don't think I've given myself the time to absorb it, to recognize, and acknowledge it. So I feel that I am symbolically cut off and with no access to this knowledge. I thought that when I finally finish the semester I would have a chance to indulge in all the things I didn’t have time for. What I failed to notice was the fact that, because I was so late with everything, I will only have one week for my break. So, instead of indulging I just crashed.

Why? Because... Dear Fi... it turned out that I have one week to: relax, schedule about 15 appointments for myself, my mom, and children (hairdresser, dentist, optometrist, physiotherapist etc), invite about 5 children for different play-dates (to be able to do this I first need to clean my messy house - which might take me an entire week itself), prepare myself for the next class (which starts May 1st!!!), buy presents for and attend 2 birthday parties and one baby shower on the upcoming weekend, call my friends (because they probably think I’m dead), write these e-mails I promised to write when I will finally have a break, upload pictures from the last seven weeks to our 365/52 pool...


All I really want is to stay quiet. Alone. Go for a walk. Return to my yoga practice. Read a few books from my never-ending book list. Sleep. Eat healthy food. Meditate. Magically shrink to my previous size. And wake up one morning with a big bright smile, full of energy, happy to be alive - instead of waking up tired, grumpy and feeling old.

So... today my Dear Fi I thought about quitting everything. Honestly. I wanted to quit this blog and my 365/52 (for the second time ha, ha!!!). I couldn’t bring myself to do anything for this post. I just had these feelings I couldn’t even name coming out to the surface. And the only thing I could see were different shadows of blue.

Yesterday I received a complimentary magazine, so I decided to paint a blue background and choose something from that magazine and glue it to my page and see what happens. After finishing that part I stared at this page and I wasn’t sure if I should start to cry or laugh. I so hated how this page looked. It felt like I forgot what to do, how to put things together. I couldn’t stand it. So I took some paint and started to cover everything again. I stamped the word “deep” and drew the “wheel”. Then I decided to use a quote from a book I’ve been reading lately and to highlight all the words that resonated with me. To finish, I splashed gold paint over the entire collage. Even though I am not a big fan of the outcome, I could really feel how the energy changed after I finished. I felt relieved. So, nothing else matters. At the end I was actually grateful (again!!!) for the place we had created. If not for this post, I would keep this “stuff” hidden deep inside. I’m glad I didn’t give up and I’m feeling much lighter right now :)



The quote (from the beginning):
Rediscovering who we really are at our core opens the way to experiencing our most basic level of connection with others. This connectedness lies at the heart of the practice called Yoga. Living in a unitive state is not an esoteric concept, and it is not an elusive higher realm that only very clever people can aspire to. It is the opening of the heart so that we have capacity to feel tenderness, joy, and sorrow without shutting down. It is the opening of the mind to an awareness that encompasses rather than excludes. It is the startling and immediate recognition of our basic sameness. It is the practice of observing clearly, listening acutely, and skillfully responding to the moment with all the compassion we can muster. And it is a homecoming with and in the body for it is only here that we can do all these things.

Donna Farhi: Bringing Yoga to Life. The everyday Practice of Enlightened Living.

1 comment:

  1. I think I'm gonna have to come over there and give you a good talking to! :-) You need to find some quiet time. Honestly, you'll make yourself really sick if you don't! I can't believe classes start again so soon. I thought you had a few weeks off first, even after the papers got handed in a bit late. Well, promise me that some of the appointments you book will be massages and other sorts of 'quiet time' for you.

    Congratulations on your work making Patty's book! That's amazing!!! Although, I knew it would! ha ha! And wow - another two pics to illustrate! :-) Looking forward to seeing them and hope you have fun with 'em.

    I had to laugh when you said you'd thought about quitting. I almost did a couple of weeks ago. I really wasn't enjoying anything. Not this blog, not 365, not my life... :-) I don't really know how I got myself out of the negative slump, but I think a lot of it had to do with having quiet time for me. I just needed to shut myself off from everyone as much as possible for a few weeks, otherwise I would have started quitting everything!

    I was thinking about it yesterday and realised that it's not a 'lack of time' that is the problem. If I'm happy and have energy, I can create something in 5 minutes. It's mental tiredness - when I've given my all to other people and have nothing left - that's when I reach a creative block. I always used to call it lack of time. Next time I say, "I don't have time", I'll realise that's my signal to take some time out for me - an hour to go for a walk on my own, or something. If I manage it like that, little bits as I go, maybe it won't all build up until I reach crisis point! I'm surprised I've never worked that out before! It seems so obvious to me now! :-) Mind you, it's easy to write that here - it will be putting it into practice that will be harder! :-)

    I'm glad it was a relief to get your feelings out into a journal page. I think that it can be hard to keep going with these 52 steps when you're not in the mood. I had a run of weeks where I wasn't enjoying the stress of creating something, photographing it, writing about it... but now, looking back, I'm glad I pushed through. My experience here changes every week, but ultimately I'm always learning. I'm so grateful to share this year with you. I think we'll both learn so much.

    Have a lovely day, sweetpea. Take some time for you. Lots and lots of love, Fi xx