Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Step Nine: Finding a home for my soul...

Dear Fi,

Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home.
Matsuo Basho

It’s 10:12 PM, and I just sat down to write this post. It took me until now to finish my project and unfortunately:
1. I have ugly photos because it is dark and gloomy ;)
2. The scan doesn’t look better because the buttons are too thick so the paper wasn’t flat.
I might came back tomorrow morning and replace these pictures. Would that be considered cheating? Ha, ha.

I planned something totally different for today. It was supposed to be a Magician’s Head on plywood, but it is a long story and I don’t have the time to go there today. While I was procrastinating my work on the Magician’s Head I checked on Lis’ blog and as soon as I read the title of her weekly reflection I knew that the head had no chance today. So “off with his head” I said and I went on a journey called “Finding Home”.


I was sharing my thoughts on immigration with a Wise Woman last year. During our conversation I discovered that I’m tired of repeating my story again and again. For the first time I realized that I have a “story”, and I’m not saying it in a positive way. I’m talking about my attachment to a particular story. The story goes like this: immigration is a difficult process, I couldn’t speak, nobody understood me, poor me blablablablabla bla bla blabla, but I was brave and look at me now balblablablabla... bla!

I decided to immediately end with this story, detach myself from it once and for good. So, I shared my golden thought with the Wise Woman and she was happy for me. But then she said, “It looks like you don’t feel at home”. I thought that she misunderstood me. I said that I don’t miss my country all that badly, and that I created a family here and...” It turned out that it was me who did not understand. The Wise Woman said, “I wasn’t talking about your home/place, I was saying that your soul doesn’t feel at home”.


Yes, she got me. It hit me very hard, even though I always knew that home is not a place, or not only a place, or that to say “I am at home” you don’t even need to have a home...

But there is a difference between knowing and feeling and between thinking that you know and truly knowing.

A huge difference.

So, I still search for my home, Dear Fi.




Cheating or not I replaced the pictures. Now, since the sun is out I can even add this ;)


  1. heee! :-) I know what you mean about trying to take pics when it gets dark! I've thought about retaking pics the following day as well (many times!) So no, I don't think it is classed as cheating! ha! ;-)

    I am so intrigued by your mention of the "Magician's Head". I can not wait to hear this story... or see your creation! What on earth and why on earth?! I shall wait patiently... will you do it next week? Don't make me wait too long! ;-)

    Your story about immigration was fascinating to read. I could relate so much to what you were saying. I've been 'settled' (sort of) in the same place for 6 years now. Before though, I travelled and moved so many times, for nearly all of my life... I became quite displaced, wondering if I would ever find, or have a home. I would dread meeting new people and the inevitable question of, "so, where are you from?" It was never an easy one for me to answer and I was extremely uncomfortable answering it - I didn't really have any idea. I knew where I was born (and had lived for 3 years). I knew my parents' nationality, but never felt a particular affinity to it, having never really lived in that country for long, or out of choice. The rest of my life had been a mixture of countries... always cities... I thought home was in 'the city', but other than that, I had no idea.

    Strangely, I didn't find my answer, or peace, till about 3 years ago. On New Year's day (with all the pressure of a new year on my shoulders and that 'need' to feel progress that I used to torment myself with), I picked up a book that had (in certain chapters), really spoken to me whilst I moved from one place to another. The book is called 'Global Soul' by Pico Iyer and on the first page I turned to, this quote jumped out at me...

    "Birds in flight, claims the architect Vincenzo Volentieri, are not between places — they carry their places with them. We never wonder where they live: they are at home in the sky, in flight. Flight is their way of being in the world".

    ~ Geoff Dyer

    It was as if everything, my whole life, finally made sense. I barely ever have huge 'revelations' like this in my life, but for some reason, it felt like I had finally found something that explained me. The pressure lifted and I really understood where I 'fitted in', finally! :-)

    Which is why I feel like I truly understand your last comment, "there is a difference between knowing and feeling and between thinking that you know and truly knowing". You're right. There are differences.

    Some of us naturally stay close to where we were born or where our family lives. Others will roam the world, for whatever reason... but it doesn't really matter about location. We all need to find a way to be at peace within ourselves, wherever it is we are geographically.

    I hope you can work out some way to find your home, sweet, Sylwi. I look forward to seeing your paintings of it, one day! I just love this one you've done for Step Nine. There are lots of lovely bits to it and I could write for ages about it, but I've already written a novel! :-) We need to live closer, so we can chat over tea! ;-) So, I'll just tell you my favourite part - the little door at the bottom right. It really tugs at my heart.

    Buziaki ukochana.


  2. beautiful, honest post sweet Sylvia :)

    it seems my concept of home shifts as i change and grow ... but yes, for me i am realizing a need to embrace me where i am and as i am before i can make a physical home for myself or my family.

    i laugh at Fi's comment about answering the question "where are you from?" as i struggle with this! i have lived in my current place almost as long as the state where i grew up AND yet, when asked where i am from, i always qualify i live here but grew up somewhere else. hmmm? my husband gently asks when will i simply say i am from here ? something to chew on.

    thank you for my favorite song ... Here Comes the Sun :) it has been a long, cold but not so lonely winter as you and our Unravellers have brought me so much warmth and support this past year.

    hugs to you all - such beautiful things happening here :)

    xxo lis